A Miscarried Adoption

In 2007 we had a miscarriage. I grieved. I cried. Who knew you could do the same with adoption.

That’s what this feels like…but instead of a natural miscarriage, I chose to have this one. I said no to a baby.

Last week we got a referral for a little girl. She will be born next week. We were surprised the birthmom picked us. We were leaning on faith as we knew there were potential problems.

For a week we prayed. I just knew this little girl was ours. We learned as much as we could and planned on meeting the birthmom later in the week.

From the get go my answer was yes. I wanted this baby. No matter what lay ahead. No matter what disabilities she may have. We could face it. She was meant to be a part of our family.

Jeremy insisted we keep praying. He wasn’t sure that this was the wisest move for our family. Were we taking on something we couldn’t handle?

We prayed for wisdom. We talked into all hours of the night. We fasted. We got counsel from close friends. We gathered information from doctors.

Finally we were able to get a full report on the baby. A report far worse than we were prepared for.

I grieved as I began to understand what this news meant for us. We could not say yes. We could not care for this little girl in the way she deserved.

Jeremy told our agency we could not accept the referral, and I wept. Wept for the birthmom who thought we were the perfect family. Wept for the baby and all the struggles that lay ahead. Wept that I would not be that Mom loving her through each trial.

And since that day, at random and unpredictable times, I have wept. One moment I’m totally convinced we made the right decision. The next I’m texting Jeremy asking if we’ve made a mistake.

The fear is almost paralyzing. What will people think of us? If we believe the Gospel then don’t we trust our God is big enough to handle this? What if we never get another referral? Maybe this was our baby, and we’ve just ruined her life and ours.

This is deep stuff. Painful stuff. My journal is full of questions to God. I can’t grasp why He put this into our lives if His plan was for us to say no. Why the heartbreak? It all seems so unnecessary.

So I pray for peace. For my tired heart. For this brave birthmom. For the new family this little girl will enter.

I pray for understanding. To accept Jeremy’s leadership as head of this home. To accept God’s plan as best for our family.

And I pray for grace. Grace that gives us courage to grieve. Grace that gives us faith to accept hard answers. Grace that believes God is good-only good, and that He can be trusted.

*Thank you for the unbelievable support you gave us after my last vague blog post. Your prayers have given me courage to write this one and accept that we will be loved and supported regardless of our choice. We thank God for you.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”
-John 14:27

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14 comments

  1. To my son and precious daughter, I also grieve with you but rest in Isaiah 41:10 and13. HE is our strength in times like these. Love you!

  2. Thank you for sharing, writing and still believing God for your family and your friends to see. You have never given up believing Jesus is enough, even when you’ve faced other hardships. You can do this because of Jesus. I am weeping with you today. I love your family!

  3. If you only knew how God is using you to bless others right now..sometimes we know the bible through and through…but putting it into practice is so very hard. Being able to share in your journey and watching you do the hardest thing ever…gives us courage and strength for us to do the paracticing as well. Much love and prayers my sweet sweet friend.

    1. Thanks Melanie! You have encouraged me today. It is much easier to talk about faith than to actually have it. I tend to like it when God’s will matches mine. Otherwise, it’s super hard.=) Miss you friend! So thankful for you!

  4. Tiffany,
    Thank you so much for posting this. As my husband and I begin to wade into the waters of adoption it is good to know what the possibilities are so that we may attempt to prepare for potential heartaches. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this but know and trust with you that God’s plans are best. You are in my prayers.

    1. Thanks Amanda! Adoption has been one the hardest yet best things we’ve ever been a part of. Best because it has pushed Jeremy and I closer to each other and to the Lord! Hardest because there are so many unknowns and so much waiting. Pray your rear off then go for it! Keep me updated!

  5. Tiffany, my family went through the same exact thing. We were referred a beautiful boy for our Russian adoption. He was gorgeous and we fell in love with his little picture and the small amount of info we received. Unfortunately, we found out that he had moderate to severe fetal alcohol syndrome. I couldn’t even bring myself to say the words “we have to turn down this referral”. I knew in my heart it was the right decision. We had a family friend who had given us the advise to make sure the child we adopted was the right fit for our family. Turning down that little boy was the hardest thing I have ever done and the following response we got from Russia didn’t help. They refused to give us another referral, but to make a long story short, we got a gorgeous little boy who will be ours forever and I know he is the one who was meant to be ours. Do not give up, I know it can be heart wrenching and, as you know, adoption is not for the faint of heart! Your forever child is out their and you will be together in God’s time.

    1. Thanks Tonya for sharing! That experience was hands-down one of the hardest of our lives. Glad to know we aren’t alone. God works in crazy ways. I’ve been amazed at what He’s doing in and through Amelia’s life and trusting He has the right baby for us. Thanks!

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