Sunflowers, Bulls & Hope

Yesterday I allowed myself to be buried. Buried in a pit of hopelessness. There are so many uncertainties right now. So many unknowns. The lack of control threatens to consume me. So, I threw in the towel. Hopelessness, I will fight you no longer. You win.

In my journal I begged God for help-“Father, love me. Drive Satan away from me. I am weary in the desert with no energy to stand, much less fight. I’ve quit. I can’t keep going. Will you pick me up? I want to dance again. I just don’t know how.”–Honest, Ugly, Real.

The boys and I finger-painted. Here’s my picture, proclaiming my ache for hope…

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It’s there, all around me, in the flowers, in the clouds, in the sun. The proof that my God is one of steadfast love. His Creation screams hope into this lifeless pit I’ve dug.

Jeremy couldn’t have known all the yuck I was wrestling with yesterday. Maybe he could sense it in my mood, in my quietness, in my apathetic attitude. But really known the struggle…no way. Regardless, he showed up at home with these…

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Sunflowers…my favorite! Hope. In those beautiful yellow blooms that keep smiling at me. A constant reminder of hope. Hope that is growing around this pit I’ve dug. Hope that is taking root in the deep places I refuse to let anyone see.

And to give me that final nudge, that final lift to get my eyes off myself, someone gave us Durham Bulls tickets. A chance to get away. A chance to forget. A chance to focus on the blessings instead of the wants…

Photograph

It’s not about what’s ahead. It’s not about what I’m waiting for. It’s about this amazing Father I’ve got who woos me. Who builds flowers around my pit. Who showers me with the grace of a loving husband and family. It’s with that kind of hope I will face today…Hope from a steadfast God.

“For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.” -Romans 8:25,25

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