On Having 5 Kids…

15 Oct

February 5 will be here soon, and we’ll officially welcome child #5 into our family. Holy cow! I never dreamed I’d type those words. But God has always been writing a story and often it seems way different than mine.

I’m learning, though, that although the term “5 kids” can embarrass me a little (if I’m totally honest), that I’m not going to have “5 kids.” I’m going to have the following…

Stephen Andrew
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Caleb Joshua
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Jonathan Seth
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Esther Grace
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Kenan Samuel

And each of those babies are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” They were each “knit together in their mother’s womb.” (Psalm 139:13,14)

Because 5 isn’t a number anymore. It’s become a name. It’s a representation of all that is and all that I pray God will do. In them. Through them. And in me.

Pure grace.

“How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.” (Psalm 139:17-18)

Infertility, Fertility, & Adoption

23 Sep

Let me clarify 2 things off the bat:
1-We’ve never struggled with infertility.
2-Not everyone is called to adopt.

But here’s what I do know. Something Jeremy and I have talked about lots in recent weeks…There is a special love you have for a child you adopt.

It’s not greater than the love you have for biological children. It’s not less. Just different.

Strong. Emotional. Indescribable. Real.

I can’t put my finger on it exactly, but it moves me to tears nearly every day.

I’ve birthed 3 babies. I’ve adopted 1. And this I can say with confidence…

Women who struggle with infertility-Don’t worry that you’ll miss something if you never birth kids and choose the path of adoption. You won’t. In fact, I’m wondering if it could be the other way around.

O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
(Psalm 139:1-6 ESV)

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Worth it…

13 Sep

I looked into her big brown eyes the other day, and this is what I said:

It was worth it…

-Every tear
-Every sleepless night
-Every worrisome day that passed by
-Every phone call that wasn’t our agency
-Every time I closed the nursery door
-Every time I rocked an invisible baby
-Every time I looked at others in envy
-Every dollar
-Every prayer
-Every journal entry
-Every painful step of hope God led us on

It was all worth it. You are worth it.

And God says the same thing to me. Every day. You were worth it all.

“Thus says the LORD: ‘The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness; when Israel sought for rest, the LORD appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you’.” (Jeremiah 31:2,3)

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Our Big Surprise…

9 Sep

The first time I saw this picture I thought our family was complete…

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And this little girl, well, she just lights up our home…
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But sometimes God has other plans. Big plans. Perfect plans. And sometimes they show up in pictures like this…

So around February 5th that little boy will make us a family of 7. Surprised? We were! All I can say is…

“Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us.” (Ephesians 3:20)

Bug Shadows, Faithfulness, & Grace

18 Aug

The other day I read James 1:17a while giving Esther her morning bottle, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.”

It stuck with me after as she and I went for a morning stroll. The sun was shining. The roads were quiet.

I watched a bug scurry across the sidewalk in front of my stroller. I saw his little shadow bouncing behind. I noticed my humongus shadow moving ahead. And the verse came back to mind.

God is the “Father of lights.” He’s the Creator of the morning sun. And He is faithful. There is not even a shadow of change in Him. Not in His love for me. Or His faithfulness. Or His promises.

Later I read the following from Matthew Henry, “As the sun is the same in nature and influences, though the earth and clouds, often coming between, make it seem to us to vary, so God is unchangeable, and our changes and shadows are not from any changes or alterations in him. What the sun is in nature, God is in grace, providence, and glory; and infinitely more. As every good gift is from God, so particularly our being born again, and all its holy, happy consequences come from him.”

God can be trusted. In busy days. In long nights. “What the sun is in nature, God is in grace.” And I’m humbled He calls me His child.

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